You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
