WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
