I want to have your abortion
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
