It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just gift wrapped bread.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
