How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
