So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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