I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Too much gin, very little bucket
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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