My sheets look like a crime scene.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It's rum buckets o'clock
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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