thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
