i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
barbara walters just said penis...
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
