I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
