So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
