I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
