He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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