I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
