I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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