I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
