i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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