she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
