do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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