Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
