there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
