I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I need a burrito and a hug.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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