Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
handjob tips. give me some.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
