i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just gift wrapped bread.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
