i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
