We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
