lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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