Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
