i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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