I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I have feelings that need drinking.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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