On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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