maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
