I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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