by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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