it's too hot outside to masturbate.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
