Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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