Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
