Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
We were destined to go to rehab together
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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