What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Is it penis luge time yet?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
