i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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