Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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