so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
