He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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