did you get engaged???
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Randomize
