dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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