god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
This is my gift to your gina
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
