so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
