I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
