If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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